countdown!!!

7 more days til winter vacation.
7 more days til it's just you and me. :)

Can't do it alone

A couple of days ago, I decided to email my mentor/friend, TR. I was really happy to get a response from her, especially because she genuinely seemed happy to hear from me. I called her the day before last and we talked for almost two hours. I get really giddy and anxious around her, but more of a happy-anxious feeling. She is someone who I admire to the fullest, and I hope I can embody some of the qualities that make her such a wonderful woman. So naturally, I feel very humbled in her presence. Her conversation is exactly what I needed right now in my life. Aside from her wise advice, I just really need and want someone to talk to who has known me for quite some time. She has witnessed the ups and downs of my adolescents, and I really appreciate her ability to see me as the individual, devoid of everything and everyone else. She is able to get me, sympathize and empathize with my situations, and really take me for who I am without judgement or blame. I feel so safe talking with her, and I say things to her that I don't necessarily share with everyone, excluding my partner. I am not putting preference over my friendship with her above any other relationship I have with others--I just really need TR's energy right now. I am at a fairly happy place in my life, but I want more for myself. And to do so, I need to find the confidence within me to make that happen. I need to feel like I am worthy enough to have faith and trust in myself. I'm sure I have said this before, but in a lot of ways I feel I have lost some of my self-esteem. People at school don't know my background, who I was back home, and how big of a deal it is for me to be thousands of miles away from home. I need someone to understand me, to know me, to believe in me, and to help guide me, because I can't do this alone. I know I am not alone. I know people love me. I know that my girlfriend is here for me, as I am for her. But, I must draw on multiple people as resources toward building myself up again. I finally feel like I have the strength to make things happen for myself, but I need that extra push from somewhere, rather someone, else.

So, it seems this whole discussion is less about TR and more about my own life's experiences and challenges. I am drawing on TR's wisdom and friendship because I know deep in my heart that it is imperative for my spirit and well-being. I talked to her again tonight. I really miss her. She says I am not bothering her, which is a RELIEF. The last thing I want to do is be a bother or burden. But, she ensures me that we are friends now--not a student and teacher. We are friends, and she agrees that she is my mentor. People need friends and mentors, and as far as I am concerned, I am lucky to have one person in my life who can and will willingly serve as my friend and mentor. I have so much to do, to experience, to endure, and I simply cannot do it alone.

D

Let go

I have moved on to the point where I no longer think about you throughout the day. And, yet it is so difficult for you to do the same. Maybe I was born with the disposition to block things, events, and people out of my mind; to remove my past from my present. But, you've got to let go. You've got to so I can simply remember what we had and not all the reasons why we fell apart. I have let go of you. The you in that part of me is no longer. The you that was my heart is no longer a part of me.

identity crisis (the game has changed)

how do you make it out here?
looking at yourself and all you see is fear
courage where you used to be
and im not used to this new me
but don't you know you still the same
the only thing that's different is this game
it's different rules, different rules
seems i went to the wrong damn school
im feeling down bout my image
im feeling down bout my ego
got me wonderin where i'm gonna go
where am i gonna go?
til i am gone.

3rd Year Excitement

We only have a couple days until we arrive on campus. We've done this twice, but this time feels right. The first time I moved to college, I ventured alone. The second time was better, but there were a lot of confusing logistics. This time, we will be arriving together, and what's better is that we are rooming together this year. I am excited for the companionship we will share, and I am so looking forward to the strength and prosperity I know will come. I have never been more serious about a relationship in my life, and I have zero reservations. I want to move forward, grow, and discover all the beauty that lies within our relationship.

best friends?

As I grow older and reflect on my life and the people in it, I think of all the moments when I'd develop and be consumed by "best friendships." I think of this often because I cannot help but see the link between the relationships I've had with bfs and my romantic relationships with women. I remember the intensity and strength of my best friendships. I also remember falling so hard for my best friends; falling in the sense that I always wanted to be in their presence and I always wanted them to feel the same way about me as I felt for them. I remember sleepovers and secrets. I remember their beautiful bodies, bodies that they willingly and unintentionally shared with me. I remember the sting between my thighs and the dryness of my mouth. And, I remember how natural it all felt for me. I wanted to touch them and be deep inside their thoughts. As I grew older, the intensity of those relationships grew stronger. Even simple tiffs between two friends soon progressed into sad, long-drawn out, and emotionally exhausting ordeals. There was nothing worse than being ignored by those girls. There wasn't a thing I wouldn't have done for those girls in times of conflict. I'd write these letters, practically pouring my heart to them. I mean, what a gesture! They were like relationships. I mean, they were relationships. Not sexual, not even romantic, but they had the bones of a real blown out relationship. My God.

courtesy of toihorn2

click my light on!
I want you so bad
I want you so closely
I feel your energy
you change my frequency
heaven sent you to me
you're supposed to be with me

so click my light on!
click my light on
click my light on
click my light on
click my light on