race v sexuality

i'm so busy lately that i rarely have time to gather my thoughts and reflect appropriately. some background for you: i have been taking a women's sexuality course. it's been interesting and mostly biologically focused, but it has been all-in-all pretty swell. however, i've been thinking about the differences between the sexuality of a white woman and that of women of color. i have absolutely zero experience or true insight into the sexuality of white women, but for some reason i believe a difference might exist. and, i don't mean in a biological sense. purely cultural. is there any truth in this? i honestly don't know. i'll post something up if i find anything supporting or refuting my argument.

The Two

Today was a good day. I spent time with my best friend and my girlfriend. Best of both worlds :). It's so nice that I have that balance in my life. I'm glad they both understand their importance in my life.

:(

I'm acting ridiculous. Mainly because I don't know how else to express myself. I just want to say this: I wish it would've just been us tonight. I wish we could have gone to dinner like I had hoped. I wish that you would have wanted the same.

Grey Tension

These walls are closing in on us. I can't help but feel this way. I can't seem to say or do the right things. Or maybe I do, but your eyes aren't kind. I wish for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I wish to be the one to bring you happiness. But, it's getting harder every day. Brick walls. Grey tension in the cracks.

Lesson Number 1

I've decided to post a lesson of the day :)

Lesson of the Day: Whatever I do in the future, I must be active. I have to interact with people, talk to people, educate people, and do hands-on work. Sitting at a desk does not cut it for me. You couldn't pay me enough to sit in a desk all day. :)

Thoughts on Day 2

A new day. Day number two, and I'm feeling good. I woke up earlier than necessary, ate a little breakfast, and made my way to the library. It's nice to get things started bright and early. I'll most likely conk out tonight. That sounds good. Real good. Yesterday wasn't a bad day. But, today feels right. Starting a new job and class can be stressful. I won't lie, I probably took out some of my anxiety on my girlfriend. That's never a smart thing to do. But, I'm reminded of how shitty that feels, and I don't want to get dirty. It's important to keep the vibes high and real. To appreciate what we have when we have it. I have a lot. A great mom at home. A great school to call my Alma mater. A comfortable room to call home. A wonderful and sweet girlfriend to call my own. And loving friends that keep me laughing and smiling. It's all good in this hood.

Things on my mind? As you can see, all of this is just rambling going on in my head. But, I do have something to talk about. I'm wondering what I will do for Christmas. Will I go back to Cali? Will I stay in Massachusetts or possibly Connecticut? Or will I see my father?

Home? I love seeing my family. I miss them already. But, not everybody is going to be home for the holidays. Should I even go that far for just a few days?

MA or CT? My girlie or my bestie? I hate being away from them. It would be nice to be here. But, I don't want to inconvenience their families.

Father? Well, seeing as he won't even return my calls, it seems less than likely that I will fly there for the holidays. Disappointing. But, this just shows me that he can never say I didn't try. I try all the time. Is he my number one priority? No. But, I think of him everyday. And, it's a shitty feeling to doubt whether we have reciprocal sentiments.

Idk. I have to figure it out. I kind of want to go to Hawai'i. Let me check the prices.

Peace.

Never Forget to Fall

I forget.
It's weird how I forget all the little things that I used to love about you. As time has gone by and new relationships have come into play, I forget about you more and more. And, I know we both said that we would never forget about each other (no matter what), but I don't remember the many things that made me fall in love over and over again.
I think we force ourselves to forget because remembering can be so painful.
If we only focused on the good moments, we, as people, would never separate.

After forgetting twice before, I don't want to have to forget anymore. I love you, the woman I sleep with each and every night, my partner, my soul-mate. I don't want you to be forgettable. I love you. I don't want to be in that place and space where it is too painful to remember why I love you and why I continuously fall deeper and deeper in love with you. Because I do. I fall and I fall and I fall.

And you say I'm not alone. You say you're falling too.

Let's never forget.
Please :)

Update to a new school year

So it begins. A new year. A new life. A new experience. I'm happy for all the newness. I'm happy for all the good and bad things that will come. I'm especially excited to learn more life lessons this school year. I'm not going to let the pressure to succeed deter me from achieving my goals; rather, I will let it fuel me til I reach that place and space I call success.

I may not be into the party scene like many of my fellow colleagues. I may not get shit-faced every Thursday and Friday night. I may not sleep around and get sexual with whoever whenever. But, my experience is unique to me. I am hard-working, determined, focused, loving, committed, and I care about how I present myself. If I want to do the things I set out to do, I must stay focused and keep my eye on the prize. There are too many girls at my school who don't use their educational experience to its fullness because they are sitting on trust funds. God did not grant me that path. I must work for everything I want and need in this life. I intend to do this. I intend to succeed and blow everyone out of the water.

D