Spectrum

Orange
Blue
Purple
Yellow fields in my mind.

I'm the orange and the blue

You?
Purple and yellow.

I like to fit, nestled in you.

In you.
In you.
In you.

Impatience

I can be really impatient sometimes. That is one of my flaws. I can be patient with many things, many situations...and then, really impatient with others. I wish I had enough peace of mind to not be so impatient or aggravated. I get aggravated rather easily. I've never been considered angry or violent, because I am really not, but I get so bugged and irked by people. Personally, I wish I didn't give a damn sometimes. But, it's just not in my nature to be indifferent. My greatest strength and weakness is that I care too much. I care about people, how they feel, and I am especially careful of how I interact with people. One slip of the tongue can cause devastating effects. But, I keep my tongue to myself. I long to just scream at the top of my lungs how I feel, but I'll settle for a mere conversation. But, this conversation has yet to occur. And, it's been an hour and a half. I'm waiting and waiting. But, I don't know if the call will come through. Sometimes I get so impatient that I will make the first move. I'll pick up the phone and dial the digits. But, it's time for me to be patient, even if it means being impatiently patient. If I get the call, my nerves will settle. Even if I get the call two hours later, I will be okay. But, if I don't get that call, I don't know how I will react. It takes a lot for this impatient gal to sit here and wait. And, now the phone just rang.

I just don't know

I keep being pulled into this spinning gyre of certainty and uncertainty. I know I am safe with my girlfriend. I know she will hold me down. But, it's the others...all the others that just fill me with such uncertainty. The others tell me I'm not good enough. The others always have something to say that just breaks me down and leaves me confused. And, I know I'm not a bad person. I try my hardest. I give my best. But, I don't like to play with uncertainty. Why would I invest my love and my energy into uncertainty? Why would I put myself in a position that could hurt me?

I don't remember...

Today in my poetry class we were assigned to do a creative writing assignment in the last fifteen minutes of class. We began with "I don't remember." It was weird to begin the prompt that way because the only thought that penetrated my mind was of my father, well at least the absence of him. Being at Smith has proved to be a time of epiphanies and realization. I've realized things about my own life, the lives of people close to me, and life in general. I never thought I was one to suppress deep feelings of resentment toward my father. I don't know why I feel so much anger toward him at times. I don't know why I act non-empathetic toward him. My frustration began after I received an insulting and awkward phone call from him. Since then, I have constructed these blockades around my heart, hoping he won't penetrate its walls. I have tried for the past four years to rekindle my relationship with him. I even went as far as spending two weeks with him this summer. But, like always, things didn't stay perfectly in tact. My stepmother complained about him, and he complained not only about her, but about everything else, including his own childhood. And, that's what gets me. He always talks and talks and talks about how unloved he felt as a child. But, you know what? He did the same thing to me. He may have not physically abused me, but he neglected me. I'm not saying that I wish he would've been around. I'm simply stating that he repeated the same vicious cycle he experienced as a young boy. And, I know for a fact that my grandmother loved him. She would have done anything for her family. So, when he insults my grandparents, I have no choice but to be discontent and vexed. He didn't make it easy. I don't blame him for getting into trouble as a young kid. But, I do believe he should take full responsibility for his actions as an adult. If he didn't want to grow up, he shouldn't have been in a sexual relationship with my mother. Unprotected sex= chance of a pregnancy. Sometimes I just feel like I was an inconvenience to him. Sometimes I feel like he almost resented my mom and me for robbing him of his "bachelor" years. But, then again, life is about accountability! If you bring a baby into this world, you better take care of her! I could never abandon my spouse and our baby. I could never lie to her. I could never deceive them. I could never cheat on her. I could never not take care of my family. So, when I wrote the prompt titled "I don't remember," I wrote about the absence of my father during some of the most pivotal years of my life.

D

To be in love

To be in love makes one do strange things they would otherwise not do. I learned this a long time ago when I first fell in love. Looking back, I sometimes don't like to claim that I was ever in love. But, I know I was. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have put up with all the things I did.

But, now I am happily involved in a romance that is beautiful in every way possible. And, instead of being the only one to feel so entrenched and enthralled in love, I know my partner is experiencing those same feelings. It makes me happy, it makes me smile one of those simple smiles of complete fondness. She cares. She cares. SHE CARES!...about me, about my feelings, about my day. She cares if I eat. She cares if I cry. She cares if I spend time with my buddies. She cares if I call my sister on her birthday. She cares that I have a relationship with my dad. She cares about the status of my room...AKA if it is clean and organized.

What does this tell me? She loves me. And, while I may not express my love in the same exact way, I know she knows I love her. Perhaps I don't encourage her to clean her room...then again, her room is always clean lol. But, I do make sure she eats. I do care that she is warm before leaving to go to class. I do make sure she is happy. I care about her feelings. I care about her mood. I care about her relationship with her family and friends. Why? Because, that is what you feel when you truly love someone.

D

Valentine's

This time last year, my life was totally different.