I don't remember...

Today in my poetry class we were assigned to do a creative writing assignment in the last fifteen minutes of class. We began with "I don't remember." It was weird to begin the prompt that way because the only thought that penetrated my mind was of my father, well at least the absence of him. Being at Smith has proved to be a time of epiphanies and realization. I've realized things about my own life, the lives of people close to me, and life in general. I never thought I was one to suppress deep feelings of resentment toward my father. I don't know why I feel so much anger toward him at times. I don't know why I act non-empathetic toward him. My frustration began after I received an insulting and awkward phone call from him. Since then, I have constructed these blockades around my heart, hoping he won't penetrate its walls. I have tried for the past four years to rekindle my relationship with him. I even went as far as spending two weeks with him this summer. But, like always, things didn't stay perfectly in tact. My stepmother complained about him, and he complained not only about her, but about everything else, including his own childhood. And, that's what gets me. He always talks and talks and talks about how unloved he felt as a child. But, you know what? He did the same thing to me. He may have not physically abused me, but he neglected me. I'm not saying that I wish he would've been around. I'm simply stating that he repeated the same vicious cycle he experienced as a young boy. And, I know for a fact that my grandmother loved him. She would have done anything for her family. So, when he insults my grandparents, I have no choice but to be discontent and vexed. He didn't make it easy. I don't blame him for getting into trouble as a young kid. But, I do believe he should take full responsibility for his actions as an adult. If he didn't want to grow up, he shouldn't have been in a sexual relationship with my mother. Unprotected sex= chance of a pregnancy. Sometimes I just feel like I was an inconvenience to him. Sometimes I feel like he almost resented my mom and me for robbing him of his "bachelor" years. But, then again, life is about accountability! If you bring a baby into this world, you better take care of her! I could never abandon my spouse and our baby. I could never lie to her. I could never deceive them. I could never cheat on her. I could never not take care of my family. So, when I wrote the prompt titled "I don't remember," I wrote about the absence of my father during some of the most pivotal years of my life.

D