Short and Sweet

The passing of time feels like forever without you. I want to be with you. Be near you. Hear you. But, time impedes my desire. And then, I feel down.

The Day After Tomorrow...

I will be heading to Smith College! Woo hoo! I am now allowing myself to get really excited! The early mornings, strolls to and from class, long hours in the library, dinner and brunch with my Bridgees, and long nights with my girl...Ahhhhh, sounds like heaven to me!

I kind of wish I was coming back earlier in the day. But hey, that's okay! At least I am coming back, right?

I am really going to miss my family, especially my mommy. :(

But, I am going to be busy with my studies and my buddies! Whoop whoop, that rhymed yo!

Peace out!

D

Three More Days

So, I have three days til I am back at Smith. I am rather excited. I miss my life at Smith. Smith is where the majority of my time is spent. I have grown accustomed to the routine, work, friends, and overall life I have built for myself in college.

Because I have grown so used to Smith, it has made being home rather hard. I love my family and close friends, but it's not the same. I feel like I could have spent the maximum of two weeks here at home and accomplished the same thing. Next winter, I would like to plan out what I am going in advance so I don't have big chunks of useless time.

The pro of staying longer is that I was able to spend time. I did like seeing my mom throughout the day. She means the world to me. But, as much as I love her, I feel like I should be off on my own. I have waited for this moment of complete independence for a long time now.

Plus, I miss my Massi. She's become an important and big part of my life. It's amazing how close we've gotten over the past few weeks. It's been a relatively short time that we've been together, but we have this connection that is really powerful. So, I can't wait to get back to her. I want to embrace every inch of her.

I also can't wait to see my buddies. I miss Iesha, Yanil, Neesha, Imani, Melissa, Johanna, Mei, Seata, Catherine, Katheryne, Arlene, Sasha, Imogene, Keji, and everyone else. I miss seeing my friends around campus. We are so tight, it's pretty crazy. I miss getting kissed on the cheek by EVERYONE lol. And, I miss giving kisses on the cheek. Damn, summer is going to be so hard.

Anyway, three more days! I can't wait!

D

Sons

I don't know why, but I am kind of upset. She asked me why I don't want boys for sons. She said I was being sexist.

Maybe I am upset because she may be revealing some kind of truth. Maybe I am sexist. Maybe I really do dislike men. I don't dislike all men. But, my general impression of most men is not one of great admiration.

I don't hate men. In fact, if society's perception of men didn't hold any truth, then maybe I would like men. Definitely not in a sexual way. But, maybe my impression of men would be more favorable.

Talking about this has released a lot of emotions, emotions I haven't felt in a long time. And maybe I lied, maybe this does have to do with my dad. Maybe my relationship with him has made me resent most men. Just like he didn't deserve my mom, maybe I feel men don't deserve most women.

But, I know I can raise a good man. I could. I would love my babies regardless of their sex. I guess in a way, I am upset because I don't want to relate me having kids with my own experience with men.

My Voice

My words are melting into yours. Sometimes when I write things or say things, I hear your voice. Only last night did I feel what I was writing embodied my own voice. I was writing about you, about your qualities. And yet I heard the coolness and calmness of Dominique. No longer your happy and cheerful voice. Trust me, I love your voice. But, my voice is especially important to me as a writer. I need my own voice. So glad am I that I got it back.

But, this isn't the first time that this has happened. I hear their voices too. My exes. It's strange, very strange. It usually happens when I am talking to a current girlfriend. I will say something to her, and what I hear isn't me, it's the one from before. I feel violated in a way, like my soul is being penetrated by their existence. The me is no longer me, it's me and her and her and her. Four of us in me, using my voice. I want to be the antithesis of certain qualities they possessed. To block out those qualities, blocks our their presence in my mind. That's all I want.

When I talk to you, I want to talk through me. I want you to hear me. I want to hear me as I am talking or writing to you.

This is me.

Miss Magician

Magic birthed when you touch me
Swirl your wand around my heart
Breathing, feeding into you
And I want nothing more
Than to be captivated
and held captive by you.

Reflection on January 11th

It's crazy to think about what could have been. Three years ago today, I decided to pursue a relationship with another woman for the first time. It was scary. I was nervous. I was embarrassed in a way. I was unsure. But, I took that risk and I started the beginning of a very rocky relationship.

For one, I didn't know her. I didn't know about her past or her plans in the future--things I normally find important. But, I was young and I didn't think about those things. From the beginning, she used intimidation and manipulation to draw me in. I suppose she never thought she could get me without it. But, what was just a fling turned into something bigger than I would have ever expected. I fell in love with her. And, it took me a long while to fall completely out of love.

We were together for almost a year and a half. Drama, love, drama, love, and more drama--that's what our love was. I am definitely glad I grew into a stronger and wiser woman after than experience. It took so much strength, strength I didn't think I had, to get out of that relationship.

And so, almost two years later, I am here. I am happy. I love myself. And I feel loved by others.

<3

Recap and Reflection

Recap. We ended a while ago. Over a month ago, officially. Believe it or not, it was hard to say good-bye. It was even harder when I realized we had given up. Much harder when I realized I was the one doing most of the giving up. But, I walked away. It was too painful to stay. It was too complicated one might say.

A part of it was easy though. I didn't have to see you each day. You didn't have to see me moving on. I could go on. I could keep up the studies. I could keep up my social life. Not compromising anything. It was the same. Except, I felt liberated. Not having to worry if I was being a good partner to you. Not having to struggle time and time again to make things work when I knew they were falling apart.

Things Fall Apart ...when one person stops trying, stops wanting. Perhaps it was me. Or maybe it was you, too.

Since then, my life has been great. It was always great. I have been blessed, fortunate. Good friends, a family who loves me. But, for a while I was sad. I was sad because I felt terrible for being happy, for putting myself first. Selfish. Greedy. Unworthy.

But, my attitude shifted. And, I was genuinely 100% happy. I am happy. Moved on, yes. Quickly? Maybe so. But, you only live once. You only get one life to live. One chance to live to the fullest. You only get one go at it.