countdown!!!

7 more days til winter vacation.
7 more days til it's just you and me. :)

Can't do it alone

A couple of days ago, I decided to email my mentor/friend, TR. I was really happy to get a response from her, especially because she genuinely seemed happy to hear from me. I called her the day before last and we talked for almost two hours. I get really giddy and anxious around her, but more of a happy-anxious feeling. She is someone who I admire to the fullest, and I hope I can embody some of the qualities that make her such a wonderful woman. So naturally, I feel very humbled in her presence. Her conversation is exactly what I needed right now in my life. Aside from her wise advice, I just really need and want someone to talk to who has known me for quite some time. She has witnessed the ups and downs of my adolescents, and I really appreciate her ability to see me as the individual, devoid of everything and everyone else. She is able to get me, sympathize and empathize with my situations, and really take me for who I am without judgement or blame. I feel so safe talking with her, and I say things to her that I don't necessarily share with everyone, excluding my partner. I am not putting preference over my friendship with her above any other relationship I have with others--I just really need TR's energy right now. I am at a fairly happy place in my life, but I want more for myself. And to do so, I need to find the confidence within me to make that happen. I need to feel like I am worthy enough to have faith and trust in myself. I'm sure I have said this before, but in a lot of ways I feel I have lost some of my self-esteem. People at school don't know my background, who I was back home, and how big of a deal it is for me to be thousands of miles away from home. I need someone to understand me, to know me, to believe in me, and to help guide me, because I can't do this alone. I know I am not alone. I know people love me. I know that my girlfriend is here for me, as I am for her. But, I must draw on multiple people as resources toward building myself up again. I finally feel like I have the strength to make things happen for myself, but I need that extra push from somewhere, rather someone, else.

So, it seems this whole discussion is less about TR and more about my own life's experiences and challenges. I am drawing on TR's wisdom and friendship because I know deep in my heart that it is imperative for my spirit and well-being. I talked to her again tonight. I really miss her. She says I am not bothering her, which is a RELIEF. The last thing I want to do is be a bother or burden. But, she ensures me that we are friends now--not a student and teacher. We are friends, and she agrees that she is my mentor. People need friends and mentors, and as far as I am concerned, I am lucky to have one person in my life who can and will willingly serve as my friend and mentor. I have so much to do, to experience, to endure, and I simply cannot do it alone.

D

Let go

I have moved on to the point where I no longer think about you throughout the day. And, yet it is so difficult for you to do the same. Maybe I was born with the disposition to block things, events, and people out of my mind; to remove my past from my present. But, you've got to let go. You've got to so I can simply remember what we had and not all the reasons why we fell apart. I have let go of you. The you in that part of me is no longer. The you that was my heart is no longer a part of me.

identity crisis (the game has changed)

how do you make it out here?
looking at yourself and all you see is fear
courage where you used to be
and im not used to this new me
but don't you know you still the same
the only thing that's different is this game
it's different rules, different rules
seems i went to the wrong damn school
im feeling down bout my image
im feeling down bout my ego
got me wonderin where i'm gonna go
where am i gonna go?
til i am gone.

3rd Year Excitement

We only have a couple days until we arrive on campus. We've done this twice, but this time feels right. The first time I moved to college, I ventured alone. The second time was better, but there were a lot of confusing logistics. This time, we will be arriving together, and what's better is that we are rooming together this year. I am excited for the companionship we will share, and I am so looking forward to the strength and prosperity I know will come. I have never been more serious about a relationship in my life, and I have zero reservations. I want to move forward, grow, and discover all the beauty that lies within our relationship.

best friends?

As I grow older and reflect on my life and the people in it, I think of all the moments when I'd develop and be consumed by "best friendships." I think of this often because I cannot help but see the link between the relationships I've had with bfs and my romantic relationships with women. I remember the intensity and strength of my best friendships. I also remember falling so hard for my best friends; falling in the sense that I always wanted to be in their presence and I always wanted them to feel the same way about me as I felt for them. I remember sleepovers and secrets. I remember their beautiful bodies, bodies that they willingly and unintentionally shared with me. I remember the sting between my thighs and the dryness of my mouth. And, I remember how natural it all felt for me. I wanted to touch them and be deep inside their thoughts. As I grew older, the intensity of those relationships grew stronger. Even simple tiffs between two friends soon progressed into sad, long-drawn out, and emotionally exhausting ordeals. There was nothing worse than being ignored by those girls. There wasn't a thing I wouldn't have done for those girls in times of conflict. I'd write these letters, practically pouring my heart to them. I mean, what a gesture! They were like relationships. I mean, they were relationships. Not sexual, not even romantic, but they had the bones of a real blown out relationship. My God.

courtesy of toihorn2

click my light on!
I want you so bad
I want you so closely
I feel your energy
you change my frequency
heaven sent you to me
you're supposed to be with me

so click my light on!
click my light on
click my light on
click my light on
click my light on

yellow sticky notes

i drew a book today about our life together
the pages were sticky notes, yellow
and they were fastened together with two staples at the top
and it revealed all the glorious and triumphant feats of our dedication
and yet
we had a fight of indifference
where you took your jeans off the doorhook, slipped them on, grabbed your bag
and proceeded to place your valuables one-by-one in it as fast as you could
you said the distance would be good for us, that you'd be back in an hour
and two hours later you come home, night pitch black, and me
in the same spot, just a little bit cleaner.

pessimism

they told me i'd have to pick myself up.

she said to try and try again.

and i listened willfully when everything was good.

but, now that it's shit
and messy as hell

i don't believe them. i don't believe it's just that easy.

all things evil

do i have to sell my soul to the devil to be who i want to be?

the doors are closing and light seems miles and miles away.

if only there was a way, if only another day, another try

because i feel so alone and i can't find mine.

four letter word

Sometimes, I just want to say

F*** It.

No Home

I have no home with a welcome mat
I have no place to hang my hat

I have no room with a bed
I have no space to rest my head

I have no home to call my own
I am simply adrift; a rolling stone

I have a mom, I have a dad
Yet there is no space inside their clans

Two years ago I had a home
With four strong walls and solid bones

Three years ago I felt alone
Even when I had a home

I am not lost but I am not found
I exist between those solid grounds

With plastic boxes in storage spaces
All the time I meet new faces

Duffel bags, backpacks and suitcases
I travel far and wide to distant places

And I feel just fine.

My sister

She's getting so big. She's 12 years old. Before I know it, she's going to be 16.
I wonder who she will be. If she will be like me. If she will like me. If I will like her. If we will love each other like only sisters can. If she will value sisterhood. If she will come to me. If she will feel like she can count on me. If I will trust her. If, if, if...

Family

It's been busy lately. Around here, around everywhere. In Japan, people are scraping by and trying to scrounge for food and water. In my little bubble, I am swamped with school work, organization obligations, and family issues. Sometimes it is nice to be away from family. But, then again, I can't really do anything directly proactive when I am so removed from my family.

I am frustrated with the whole situation. I don't know why he can't just love who he has. Why does he have to run away from the people who love him the most...his children? It's really pathetic. I know it's more complicated than what it is made to seem like. This only serves as a lesson to my future self: I will always put my children first. I will always make them feel loved and cared for. They will always hold my heart. My decisions will be primarily guided by striving to give them the best of me and the best of life. I will always know their favorite color(s), what they like to do for fun, all of their mannerisms, and their dreams and aspirations. I will stop at nothing to give my all to my family.

Period.

False Acceptance

False acceptance. I received an email yesterday saying that I got accepted into a research program. As I reread the email I realized that the letter was not addressed to me. It was addressed to a male with the a last name that could "easily" get confused with my own. In reality, the only thing that linked his last name to mine was the first initial. I was really ecstatic, then I panicked, and I decided to email the program with my findings. This morning, I received a response to my query, and just as I suspected, the letter was not intended to reach my eyes. I understand the mishap, but I am still upset. The last thing I want is to be accepted by this institution for reparations. I'd rather try again next year and simply enjoy my summer with my girlfriend in some other country.

Truth is...I still hope to get accepted by at least one of the research programs.

Dom

a discussion on identity

identity is tricky. and complicated. for me, identity has been a source of pain and strength. there is a fine line between the two. for me, my identity is not comprised of any one thing. there are a billion things that i feel have some weight in my life. my gender, my race, my nationality, my culture, my values, my sexuality, my freedom, my hobbies, my talents...the list goes on. some aspects of my life are more readily available for outsiders to pick up on. based on the color of my skin and the way my body is formed you'd most likely infer that i am a woman of color. but, how boring would it be to only be defined by TWO things. we might as well be robots!

i take pride and pleasure in celebrating my identity. everyday is not a celebration, but i make sure to really keep in mind who i am (a useful tool in making decisions). if you know who are it is hard to do things outside of your element. i won't steal because it is not in my nature to steal. i won't make blatantly racist or sexist remarks because i have internalized my identity as a woman of color, so doing that would ultimately hurt myself.

it is important to be truthful. not only to other people, but especially to yourself. lying to yourself and to others can really hurt you in the end, and it ultimately impedes the process of others achieving a level of honesty. if people did not take that step to come out as black (assuming they are ethnically ambiguous) or gay or transgender or even as activists for animals (this is a stretch), a lot of people would have lived there lives as scared, intimidated prisoners of their identity. i know not everyone will fight or wants to fight. i know people don't always want to take that challenge. it is a lot of work. but, someone's got to do it. and if you don't have anything to lose, why not do it? why not be courageous? and if you have something to lose, you should really evaluate that "something" and whether or not that "something" is really worth it.

You are...

You're like Black oil, so sticky and dark,
I want to run my fingers through you.
Or maybe you're more like honey,
sweet and warm,
I want to drizzle you over my toast.
I'm thinking purple cotton candy,
you stick to my hands, and palms,
even my elbows (how'd you get there?)
i want to lick you off bit by bit.
Black oil, warm honey, and purple cotton candy.
dark, sweet, and everywhere.

Surprises

Life surprises you sometimes. Just when you think you are close to losing everything, including yourself, a sign comes out of nowhere letting you know it's okay. Stress, whether it be financial or academic, is enough to make the strongest man crumble. But, I think of the people who are depending on me. The people who need me. The people I need. The people who made me. The people who are making me. Man, it's just crazy. So many times I get so caught up in myself, and I forget all the people. It's easy to do when you're so consumed with work, especially when miles and oceans separate you from them. But, I'm realizing that this is so much more than me. It's about a movement of love. Love. Love. Love. I need it. Gotta have it. Won't leave without it.

Spring 2011 update 1

Listenin' to my jamz before I head out to my 11pm class. I'm really enjoying my mornings. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my easy-going days. I likkkke.

Anyway, a little update:

Things are looking up. My books are very expensive this year, so hopefully school funding will assist me. I've been pretty happy (but tired) this week. I'm getting into the swing of things. It was a mere month long break, but I'm still on vacation mode. Almost off though.

I've been reflecting about my life and plans. It's been tiring and a little stressful. I'm not sure what I want to do this summer. I'm thinking of going abroad...volunteering in a different country. I've never flown to a different continent, so that should be an awesome experience.

I've been doing quite a bit of reading. I can't wait to completely settle into my classes.

Aight. I'll write soon.

D

Changes

I've been feeling so un-Dominique lately. Really pessimistic and down. That's really unlike me. I can't really attribute these changes to any one thing. It could be a mix of a lot of things. I know we sometimes have to crash and hit rock bottom in order to be reborn into better beings. I'm waiting for that next phase to commence.

A flash into what's been going on. Just finished up my winter break. I spent time at my dad's for x-mas. Headed back to bean town for a couple days. The tail end of my break was spent with my mom, family, and gf in California. I had fun. But there were a few times when I seriously thought I was losing my mind. I've been letting negative vibes infiltrate my spirit. That's not a good thing.

So, I figure I should start doing more of the things I know make me happy. Music. Writing. Swimming. Drawing. Blogging. Watching videos. Reading. Spending time with loved ones.

It's easy to let negativity in. It's even easier to get lost in a world of criticism and complaining. I am the first person to admit that I am a BIG complainer. I need to stop that shit. The thing is, it's hard not to complain when you're unhappy or simply dissatisfied. I want to be satisfied. I want to quench this inner thirst, a thirst that can only be relieved by being happy with myself.

First off, I have become rather sedentary. I haven't exercised in a loooong minute. I hardly wear make-up or get dressed up. I don't like to look in the mirror. I am the heaviest I've ever been. I can feel it without stepping on a scale. It's not about weight. It's about being content with my being. I tend to let school run my life. I do find much success in academics. But, academia is NOT everything. I have to pay more attention to all the little and big parts in my life that I have neglected all last semester. It's eating me alive.

So, I have to make some changes because my confidence is seriously lacking and my positive vibe is being masked by negative energy.