Waiting at the Airport

I'm at the BDL airport...located in Hartford, Connecticut. I am so freakin' tired. It's utterly ridiculous. I haven't actually slept in over 24 hours. The plane ride from San Francisco to Washington D.C. was a good five hours. However, my slumber was frequently interrupted by the obnoxious voices behind me.

Other than that, I'm doing alright. I wish my mom was here with me. But, if I'm going to be independent, I might as well be 100% independent. I don't know if I'm ready for that. My mom is my best friend. I'm going to miss her so much. I have six months until our next visit. Hopefully she'll come over spring break. Then, we'll spend time in Cape Cod with our family.

For those whom I love, you have my warmest regards. I'll miss you dearly, but I'll be stronger because of this.

Lots and lots of love,

Dominique

18 minutes

I'm leaving in eighteen minutes. Wow, this is surreal. Just like the picture above. Surreal.

Third Sad Good-bye

Three hours and counting...backwards. Minusing. Subtracting the minutes I have left at home.

I had breakfast with F.M. at IHOP. We shmoozed for a good hour and a half. It was nice. I'm not good at good-byes. I don't like them. It was especially hard because I love her so much. She gave me a beautiful necklace with a "D" and another charm that says "Believe" with a heart.

She is one woman who knows exactly what to say to me. She is almost like my other half. I love her. I hope she knows the extent of my love.

I miss her already. :(.

'Tis a sad occasion. But, I must refrain from lamenting.

What if I were alone? What if no one loved me? What if my world was black and gray?

That would most definitely be worse than what I am going through now.

Thank goodness.

Always gotta remind yourself that things could be worse.

Kinda takes the edge off of the current predicament.

Good-bye Toast

This is what really sucks: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday won't be spent with my family.

That's what happens when your school is across the country. :(

But, I just keep telling myself that it'll be well worth it. And, it will be worth it. Separation anxiety is kicking in. My heart hurts. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm so very sad.

May Your omnipotence and divinity guide me as I enter untested waters.

If I am knocked down, give me the strength to pick myself up again.

May I experience love, happiness, adventure, warmth, and compassion.

May lessons be learned.

(clank our glasses)

Here! Here!

Second Good-bye :(

Another good-bye. My aunts just left my little good-bye get together. I'm sad. I have the urge to cry, but I'm stopping the tears from falling. I love them. They've always supported and loved me. Now, I won't see them for another six months.

:(

Jessica

Now, I miss Jessica more than ever. I wish she could give me a gigantic hug. I wish she could kiss me sweetly. I wish she were here to comfort me. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.

I love her.

Passing

Tomorrow I leave. I am sad. I'm so sad, I feel so lifeless. I'm really going to miss my mom. I'm really going to miss Vince. I'm really going to miss my aunts. I'm really going to miss Terri. I'm really going to miss Mrs. Meadows. I'm really going to miss my pals. I'm going to miss my Jessica.

Technology has made it possible for people to stay in constant communication with others. But, it's not the same. It's not the same as giving your mom a deep, warm hug. It's not the same as kissing your lover on her lips. It's not the same as playfully nudging your buddies. These are all gestures that don't require one single word. Yet, I will be rid of them soon. Only the residue of their touch will grace my being. Only the faint scent of ses parfume will remain. I'll experience great loss for a little while. I know this.

I'm not going to be bummed forever. I also know this.

This, too, shall pass.

First Good-bye That Has Hurt

So, I'm pretty bummed. I just said good-bye to one of my favorite people in the entire world. I miss her already. She is more than just a mentor/teacher to me, she's one of my best friends. She arrived home on the 17th from Grado, Italy. She looked more beautiful than ever. Her skin was a beautiful bronze, and she just glowed from head to toe. I miss her. I miss her laugh. I miss her easy-going, yet deep conversations. I hope she knows how much she truly means to me.

She gave me a beautiful necklace with a Venetian glass heart accented by blue and gold swirls. I'm wearing it now. I'll wear it no matter what. It reminds me of her. It reminds me of our friendship. We will be friends until the end of time...that's what we both agreed on. I love you, Terri--I truly do.

Older Women (Late 20's and Older)

Now, before I get started with this blog, let me say I am very happy with my relationship.

But, I do have a "thing" for older women. Why? Because older women know who they are, what they want, and they have this confidence that is just so sexy. What do I mean by older? I'd say women who are at least ten years older than me.

There are so many beautiful women I've seen on Myspace, Facebook, and Youtube. Of course, there are women whom I've met on a personal level. All of them are all around beautiful people. They have this spice to them that I just love! It's not so much that I want to be with them, I just love to admire them. I believe women get sweeter with age, similar to a wine. Plus, I love their conversation skills. They aren't interested in stupid, petty games. They tend to be more domineering and assertive.

Unfortunately, a lot of older women aren't always interested in younger females or males. But, why would they be? If you know what you want and are mature, you probably wouldn't want to mess around with someone below your level. Unless, the youger female or male is mature and wise for their age...that is the only exception.

I love older women. They are sexier, smarter, wiser, and way more assertive.

Women, Women, Women

There is no one thing that I love more than my love for women. And, not just any kind of women. I love beautiful women. But, it's not just physical beauty that entices me.

Type #1: A woman, dark-complexioned, confident, has a little attitude (but in a good way), sweet as honey, fine as hell inside and out, curvy, sensual, smart, deep, sexy, and knows what she wants.

Type #2: A woman, olive-complexioned, sweet, deep, independent, musical, appreciation for art of all types, dark hair (auburn, dark brown, or black), smart, intellectually stimulating, beautiful inside and out.

Type #3: A woman, light-complexioned, free-spirited, edgy, loyal, spontaneous, fun, funny, cute, conversational, witty, daring, smart.

Type# etc...

You see, I love all women. But, it doesn't mean I want to be with every woman. I just love women. They make this world go round. Those types were just combinations of traits and characteristics. As long as there are women like this in the world, I'll be alright. :)

Spiritual-Connection

Spiritual-connection? Let's look up both spiritual and connection.

Best defnition(s) of Spiritual: Of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material. 2. Of, concerned with, or affecting the soul.

Best definition(s) of Connection: An association or relationship.

Based on the two defintions, we can infer that "spiritual-connection" equates to "a relationship of the soul".

In my previous blog, I wrote that I only formed close friendships with ny teachers/mentors. I also stated that I needed a mind-connection to connect with anyone. That is very true.

Mind-connection: connection of the mind. If you can converse with someone without there being any awkward silences, there is a strong possibility that you've stumbled upon a) a mind-connection or b) someone who's just very chatty. Mind stimulation is necessary to form a mind-connection.

Now, moving on the heart-connection. This basically means you've reached a love-connection. Love exists in all forms. Whether it's a platonic or romantic love, it is love.

So, in order to be connected by the soul, one must be connected in thought and in heart. Only then will your soul dance with another. Pretty powerful stuff. It's the best relationship you can have.

Bon Voyage Mes Amis

I move in one week. Yes, in seven days. That is so astounding to me. It is also rather pertifying. I hope I have all the necessities that are required of me. I'd hate to have forgotten something. One of my close fiends left last night. She arrived at her school this morning. I am so excited for her.

Even though everyone is moving on, I don't feel bad or sad really. I've never been the type to hold friends very close to me for very long. Usually, my friendships are interrupted. In the past, I've let a relationship come between my friends and I. It was a bad situation all around. After being single for a little while, I found a relationship that allowed me to be close to friends, but it hasn't happened for me.

The only real friendships I have, are the friendships I've made with my teachers/mentors. Some think this is sad. Sometimes this makes me sad as well-- in a less pathetic more empathetic kind of way. I don't know if they feel as close to me as I do to them, but either way, those are relationships I cherish deeply. I hope they know just how much I love them.

You see, I need mind-connection with a human in order for the relationship to work. Then, that mind connection turns into heart-connection. After heart-connection, we reach spirtual-connection. That's the deepest connection you can have. How do you know if you've reached that spiritual-connection? Just wait for the next blog.

This blog is going all over the place. How very rude of me! Anyway, this blog is dedicated to those who are moving on to the bigger and better. I tip my hat off to you. You will do great! If you forget about me, that's okay. Just remember what we had. We were close at one point in time. We loved somewhere downthe metaphorical line of time. And, it was special. It was.

Sentimental Mood

I'm listening to "In a Sentimental Mood". It's a lovely jazz piece--one of my absolute favorites. It reminds me of old memories, love stories, love movies, old black and white movies, my love life, and those whom I have loved. It's romantic. It's sultry. It's jazzy. It's heart-warming and chilling. It tears at me each time I catch an ear-full of it's soothing melodic choruses.

It is a very fitting song, to say in the least. I am moving on to bigger, and hopefull better things. Sweet memories are waiting to be built. If I could have one word represent my entire existence, or my experience as I exist, it would be the word "sweet". Naturally, I just looked up the definition of "sweet". This word has many meanings. These are the first 17 or so:

-having the taste or flavor characteristic of sugar, honey, etc.

-producing the one of the four basic taste sensations that is not bitter, sour, or salt.

-not rancid or stale; fresh: This milk is still sweet.

-not salt or salted: sweet butter.

-pleasing to the ear; making a delicate, pleasant, or agreeable sound; musical.

-pleasing or fresh to the smell; fragrant; perfumed.

-pleasing or agreeable; delightful.

-amiable; kind or gracious, as a person, action, etc.

-dear; beloved; precious.

-easily managed; done or effected without effort.

-(of wine) not dry; containing unfermented, natural sugar.

-(of a cocktail) made with a greater proportion of vermouth than usual.

-sentimental, cloying, or unrealistic: a sweet painting of little kittens.

-(of air) fresh; free from odor, staleness, excess humidity, noxious gases, etc.

-free from acidity or sourness, as soil.

-Chemistry. a.devoid of corrosive or acidic substances.b.(of fuel oil or gas) containing no sulfur compounds.

-(of jazz or big band music) performed with a regular beat, moderate tempo, lack of improvisation, and an emphasis on warm tone and clearly outlined melody.

I, perhaps, love the simplest definition of the word. Pleasing. Agreeable. Delightful. And also, sentimental. If life were as delightful as this song, as this definition, I would be delighted.

Yes, my life would be sweet. My life is sweet. Sweet as honey, sugar, hot, sticky molasses. So warm, delicious--you'd long to dip your fingers in my honey heart. Mes bises de sucre would tantilize you. You'd search and search for my molasses reserves. I would indulge you. I'd take you for a spin. You'd cry out in ectasy. You'd be in my life. You'd be in my heart. I'd love you forever.

At last, we'd rejoice and gather around to listen to "In a Sentimental Mood."

You'd feel as I feel everytime I listen to this song.

Comments before the Initial Countdown

Yesterday, I said good-bye to a few close friends of mine. I'm sure I'll see them again. But, what if I don't? What if something terrible happens to me, or to one of them? Well then, I guess we may not meet again. But, I do want to see them. I'm afraid things won't be the same. But, I kind of want that too. I want to create the "me" I've been wanting for myself. The "me" that exists with a few people, but not with the majority of people I've met in the Coachella Valley. And, I know by doing this may indeed create a rift between my friends and me. But, that's life. I'm all about growth. I'm all about being the better me. I need to be.

Mysterious Revealings

There's something interesting in writing blogs. Especially blogs that aren't private. But, being all "out in the open" about it is, in a lot of ways, therapeutic. It's being mysterious with the intent to reveal what is hidden. That's what writing is to me.

As open as I claim to be, I feel so alone. I feel so guarded. Maybe I just haven't found the proper way to tell them, the proper way to tell myself.

I am a walking contradiction at times. I say things I don't feel, just to say them. I feel how I feel because I think that's how I am supposed to feel.

It's only in my writing where the truth escapes. It's this dark, black cloud of smoke and gas that slowly creeps its way out of my mind into my fingertips. It may not be a pleasant sight to see, but it is interesting, sometimes fascinating...at least for me.

I want to be open without inheriting extra bullshit. What do I mean by bullshit? I don't want to be open just to have people use me, abuse me, and take me for granted. How can you take back what's already been poured? How can secrets hide away when unhidden they've become? I guess you can't. So, I'll be open. Here I will be open. Maybe not everywhere else. But, those who do care to read, can. I'll be mysterious. Mysterious with the intent to reveal. That way I won't have to physically see bullshit.

Confirming the Confirmed

Eh. What is there to really say? Nothing...really. Today is the 12th, which means I have 14 days left. I leave on the 26th, even though I don't arrive in Connecticut til the 27th. Then, I'll catch a bus, courtesy of Smith College, and I'll enjoy three days with fellow bridgees. On the 30th, I will move in to my actual dorm. I'll go through Orientation. And on the 8th of September I'll start class.

Am I excited? Sure I am. Am I nervous? Of course. Will I do just fine? No, I'll do better.

It's all about confidence. Next to confidence there must be drive. Next to drive there must be skill. Confidence, drive, and skill. If you have all three, you're good to go. If you're missing one, you won't make it. Think of it as a tripod...you know, the contraption that holds a camera. If you are missing one of the three legs, the camera will fall because the tripod needs all three feet (hint: tri-pod!) to keep it and the camera steady and balanced. Just like a camera, you, too, will fall without all three. In your case, confidence, drive, and skill.

Anyway, I feel I embody those three traits. I've worked hard for this specific moment. I've been striving for this my entire life. So, it's going to happen. I am going to do it. I will succeed. Trust me.

So, what is there to really write about? I guess nothing. Just confirming what has already been confirmed.

Is it wrong to feel left out?

Scenario: All of my friends go to dinner...without me. It is an official good-bye dinner.

Does this mean no one really feels the need to say good-bye to me?

Trust me, I don't wanna sound like a whiny bitch. A part of me feels bad, a little hurt. But, the other part of me really doesn't give a rat's ass.

The part that somewhat irked me was when someone posted a photo of everyone who went. It was about 20 people. And yet...I didn't get the memo. Hmm.

Whatever.

Stud Lesbians: Only masculine when it's convenient

Last night before I fell asleep, I had this thought. This thought inspired me to write this specific blog.

"Stud Lesbians: Only masculine when it's convenient"

Let me first define what a "stud" is. Stud: Lesbian who embodies masculine characterisitcs/traits. A stud is the opposite of a "femme", which is a feminine lesbian who is generally attracted to masculine, or butch/stud lesbians. The term stud and femme is often used in the Black LGBT community.

This topic definitely relates to me on a very personal level. In this case, we'll call the stud Lisa. Lisa and I were dating off and on for about a year and a half. During that time, she was the more masculine or stud-like lesbian in our relationship. I, on the other hand, was more of a femme. Now, don't get me wrong, you don't need these labels. In fact, I find relationships work better when you don't label yourself or your partner.

Lisa, on a scale from 1-10 (1=femme, 10=stud), was a seven. She didn't rock men's clothing, but her personality resembled that of a macho-man. Lisa had an inflated ego. She acted like her sh*t didn't stink. She flirted with all the cute girls...IN FRONT OF ME. Lisa was a basketball player. She rocked a fresh pair of Vans each day, and popped her collar 24/7. So, to everyone, she acted like a stud. She was even rude, controlling, and bossy to me AND to everyone.

BUT, no one saw what I saw when we were alone. She was a pillow princess. Don't know what a pillow princess is? According to UrbanDictionary.com, a pillow princess is a woman, usually in a of a curious/bisexual context, who wants to experience pleasure from oral sex, but who is unwilling to reciprocate. But, in this case, Lisa was a full-blown lesbian who was just plain selfish. By day she was a stud, by night the stud-like personna came right off.

Now, I'm not saying studs shouldn't receive sexual pleasure. I am saying that if you are going to have an inflated ego, you kind of need to back it up. You can't be tellin' all your homies that you tap your girl's ass sooooo good, when you've never seriously attempted to do so. This is what I mean when I say studs sometimes only behave like studs when it's convenient for them.

Now, all my stud sistas who are doing their thing, I'm not talking about you. Y'all are cool. I'm simply speaking of the few, in fact probably the minority of stud lesbians, who do this. You can't expect your girl to be okay with the whole stud "get-up" when you only do it half of the time. Bottomline is this: Equality is a must. And yes, there can be equality in a stud-femme relationship. Reciprocity is a must. Plus, it's just plain phony bologna when you're a big macho-stud who doesn't please your own girlfriend.

If any of you have experienced this or something like this, let me know. I really hope I'm not the only one! Then again, I hope I am. No one should go through that!

Lame little rhyming thing for you...

Loving you, it's been so long
Figured I try to write you a song
Always been so easy, easy to do
But it's harder when it comes to you
You are always my number one
Put you before every and anyone
You are my light
You are my life
Through all my troubles
Through all the strife
You know girl
You rule my world
Keep my heart beating
Keep it in a swirl
You are my thoughts
You are my dreams
At least that's how it always seems
Baby I, I love you so
Never ever gonna let you go
No matter what comes along
I'll see you, your face in this song
You'll always be in my heart
You always were, even from the start
Just remember I'm always here
I'll shelter you from your every fear
You call my name, I'll be there fast
'Cause baby this love will always last.

Ick!

So, I realize what the problem is. It's California. At least it's Southern California. It's the people.

I'm glad I am leaving for Massachusetts soon. I can't be here for much longer. Not all, but a lot of people around SoCal are snobby, immature, rude, self-centered, and materialistic. I can't be feelin' that anymore.

<---- = No-No

Catching Up--On my time with Jessica

Well, I just got back on Wednesday from South Carolina. I spent two and a half weeks there with my girl. That was the first time we officially met. But, we've been together for a year and two months. Lemme just say that it was utterly amazing. She was even more beautiful in person. She just has this vibe to her that illuminates the room. Before I visited her, the long distance between us became overbearing. But, we quickly became refreshed and rejuvenated :).

I wouldn't be surprised if someone attempted to swoop up on her; she's just that great. You know that feeling of calm and serenity we all want to find...she brings that to me. I mean all my cares in the world just vanish when I'm with or around her.

People had their doubts regarding how well we'd take to each other in person. HELL! We got along waaay better than anyone thought we would! Everything she allowed me to see of her on the phone is the same in person. However, like I said, she's more beautiful.

But, it's not only her beauty that intrigues me, it's the rest of the "Jessica" package. She's smart. She can hold a conversation. She's opinionated. She's funny as hell. She's laid back. She's caring. She's devoted. She's loyal. She's loving. She's affectionate. She's playful. Oh, AND she plays several instruments, which include cello, guitar, and flute. She sings like an angel. She makes her own beats and tracks. She performs, produces, and writes her own shit. She's poetic and artistic. Man, the list goes on and on. I just feel so damn lucky to be with her.

But of course, it was so depressing and sad to leave her. She waited by the security (TSA) checkpoint until I turned the corner toward my terminal. It was so, so heart-breaking. Already, I miss her lips, her hands, her body, her touch, her laughter, and her overall presence. She's the best.

I could leave everyone in this world behind for her. That's how much I love her. But, she wouldn't want me to give anyone up, and I wouldn't expect that of her.

Anyway, this concludes my "ode to Jessica".

If you read this, I love you babe. ;)