I miss you

I miss you. I miss talking to you for hours. I miss kissing you. I miss loving on you. I miss your scent. I miss your touch. I miss looking into you eyes. I miss you telling me you're mine. I miss telling you how much I love you. I miss holding you throughout the night. I miss making love to you. I miss our legs being intertwined. I miss your fingertips on my lips. I miss tasting you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you because I love you. I love you because you're a part of me. You are fixed in my heart, in my mind, in my soul.

I love you sweetheart. I love you Jessica.

Kind of Love

I want that poetic kind of love.
I want that "you can take me above" kind of love.

I want that sweet as molasses kind of love.
I want that "it's so fantastic" kind of love.

I want that "you give me butterflies" kind of love.
I want that deep, soulful, wise kind of love.

I want that "baby you can trust me" kind of love.
Or that "Damn how'd I get so lucky" kind of love.

Ode to Brazil

I want to be in Brazil.
I want to smell the scent of Brazil.
I waaaant to dance along Brazilian shores.
I want Brazil, but I want you more.

Temptations

Time is often the scapegoat. I'm hear to refute this arguement. Time waits for no one. It's idiotic to presume it ever has. Time is fixed. There ain't nothing we can do about it. Because we know this, we cannot point the blame at it any longer.

People naturally send off these signals that are only attractive to certain people. When you are in the absence of your loved one, it's easy to blame time and distance. It's easy to say "Hey, he/she is not here, so I have an excuse to pick up on these signals." It's a helluva lot harder to dismiss temptation. Temptation is a muthafucka. See, temptation will allow you to use time and distance as a scapegoat. It's like a little deceiving devil sitting on your shoulder. Sometimes, there isn't an angel blocking the devil's presuasion.

That's when your mind and heart step in. If you think with your mind and heart, not your body and it's lust, you can denounce temptation. It is hard. It really is. But, it is a must. Don't jeopardize what you know you have for certain, for something that may only be a temprary infatuation or fixation. Lust is a drug. Lust is powerful. It can really get out of hand.

Girl

A poetic entity
So sure
So sweet
So everything

Complete
Complex
Compromising nothing

So sure of herself
So sweet to me
Everything and more

Completely content
Complex yet simple
Compromises nothing, for her values are fixed.

Verse/Poetry

I look at her and I think about how connected we are. I look at her and feel how attached to me she can be. At other times, I think about how distant our tides have become. I look at her and feel a void, a rift, a gap. But, her beauty, among all else, draws me back and back and back. Her beauty intrigues me, relieves me, it teases me. Then I remember: two worlds cannot always collide. Like spring and fall, too distant, too far. Sometimes I love her. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I resent her. At other times I dote...on her. Visions of me and her, and she and I, we and us...is a must! But, I trust--myself too much to fall for her false touch. She touched me and took it back. She teased me then pulled herself back...from me. You see? Her love was just temporary. It's off and on, and off again. It's sweet and distant, or just distantly sweet. You don't play with me, me, and me. You don't mess with me, me, and me. Because, I am too good. I am too fragile. I am too weak. I am meek. And, since it is I who shall inherit this earth in the end, you must mend...my broken feelings, so dealing without you isn't so damn bad.

first day

Today was the very first day of class, which also means that it was my first day as a college student. It was pretty exciting. I only had one class today.

Sociology seems really neat. I can't wait to learn more about society's impact on each individual. It's really interesting.

I have three classes tomorrow: Portuguese, Black Feminist Theory, and English. These = VERY COOL.

I hope I do well. I know I'll do well. I will try my hardest no matter what. Today, I didn't procrastinate. Today, I did my work, and I did it on time. YAY!

I'll be checking in later.

~D

Forgive Them Father, They Know Not What They Do

"Forgive Them Father" is a track off of Lauryn Hill's album, "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill".

I like it. Y'all should check it out.

Speaking of religion, I'm not sure to which religion I should subscribe. I believe in God and his son. But, I'd like to get into Buddhism. I think it'll be good for my soul, for my spirit.

A lot has been going on. I've been busy non-stop. It's good for me though. I'm not sure if it's great for my relationship, but it's only been a week and a few days since I've begun to acclimate. I know that'll take a little while. I miss my girlfriend more than she can fathom. It's hard being alone. I'm forced to be social. But, I do like it. It's not usually what I do. I'm glad I'm somewhat breaking out of my shell.

Sometimes I feel as if my past is drifting away, falling apart. But, new flowers are in bloom, promising a beautiful present and future.

I'll try to write as often as I can. Lord knows this is therapeutic.

;)

So, this is the first blog I have posted since I have been at Smith. I must say, I am having a grand ol' time. I really like the people I've met thus far. They are genuine, kind, smart, and just really cool.

I'll update more about this later :).

I have to register for my classes in approximately 16 minutes!

Waiting at the Airport

I'm at the BDL airport...located in Hartford, Connecticut. I am so freakin' tired. It's utterly ridiculous. I haven't actually slept in over 24 hours. The plane ride from San Francisco to Washington D.C. was a good five hours. However, my slumber was frequently interrupted by the obnoxious voices behind me.

Other than that, I'm doing alright. I wish my mom was here with me. But, if I'm going to be independent, I might as well be 100% independent. I don't know if I'm ready for that. My mom is my best friend. I'm going to miss her so much. I have six months until our next visit. Hopefully she'll come over spring break. Then, we'll spend time in Cape Cod with our family.

For those whom I love, you have my warmest regards. I'll miss you dearly, but I'll be stronger because of this.

Lots and lots of love,

Dominique

18 minutes

I'm leaving in eighteen minutes. Wow, this is surreal. Just like the picture above. Surreal.

Third Sad Good-bye

Three hours and counting...backwards. Minusing. Subtracting the minutes I have left at home.

I had breakfast with F.M. at IHOP. We shmoozed for a good hour and a half. It was nice. I'm not good at good-byes. I don't like them. It was especially hard because I love her so much. She gave me a beautiful necklace with a "D" and another charm that says "Believe" with a heart.

She is one woman who knows exactly what to say to me. She is almost like my other half. I love her. I hope she knows the extent of my love.

I miss her already. :(.

'Tis a sad occasion. But, I must refrain from lamenting.

What if I were alone? What if no one loved me? What if my world was black and gray?

That would most definitely be worse than what I am going through now.

Thank goodness.

Always gotta remind yourself that things could be worse.

Kinda takes the edge off of the current predicament.

Good-bye Toast

This is what really sucks: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday won't be spent with my family.

That's what happens when your school is across the country. :(

But, I just keep telling myself that it'll be well worth it. And, it will be worth it. Separation anxiety is kicking in. My heart hurts. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm so very sad.

May Your omnipotence and divinity guide me as I enter untested waters.

If I am knocked down, give me the strength to pick myself up again.

May I experience love, happiness, adventure, warmth, and compassion.

May lessons be learned.

(clank our glasses)

Here! Here!

Second Good-bye :(

Another good-bye. My aunts just left my little good-bye get together. I'm sad. I have the urge to cry, but I'm stopping the tears from falling. I love them. They've always supported and loved me. Now, I won't see them for another six months.

:(

Jessica

Now, I miss Jessica more than ever. I wish she could give me a gigantic hug. I wish she could kiss me sweetly. I wish she were here to comfort me. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.

I love her.

Passing

Tomorrow I leave. I am sad. I'm so sad, I feel so lifeless. I'm really going to miss my mom. I'm really going to miss Vince. I'm really going to miss my aunts. I'm really going to miss Terri. I'm really going to miss Mrs. Meadows. I'm really going to miss my pals. I'm going to miss my Jessica.

Technology has made it possible for people to stay in constant communication with others. But, it's not the same. It's not the same as giving your mom a deep, warm hug. It's not the same as kissing your lover on her lips. It's not the same as playfully nudging your buddies. These are all gestures that don't require one single word. Yet, I will be rid of them soon. Only the residue of their touch will grace my being. Only the faint scent of ses parfume will remain. I'll experience great loss for a little while. I know this.

I'm not going to be bummed forever. I also know this.

This, too, shall pass.

First Good-bye That Has Hurt

So, I'm pretty bummed. I just said good-bye to one of my favorite people in the entire world. I miss her already. She is more than just a mentor/teacher to me, she's one of my best friends. She arrived home on the 17th from Grado, Italy. She looked more beautiful than ever. Her skin was a beautiful bronze, and she just glowed from head to toe. I miss her. I miss her laugh. I miss her easy-going, yet deep conversations. I hope she knows how much she truly means to me.

She gave me a beautiful necklace with a Venetian glass heart accented by blue and gold swirls. I'm wearing it now. I'll wear it no matter what. It reminds me of her. It reminds me of our friendship. We will be friends until the end of time...that's what we both agreed on. I love you, Terri--I truly do.

Older Women (Late 20's and Older)

Now, before I get started with this blog, let me say I am very happy with my relationship.

But, I do have a "thing" for older women. Why? Because older women know who they are, what they want, and they have this confidence that is just so sexy. What do I mean by older? I'd say women who are at least ten years older than me.

There are so many beautiful women I've seen on Myspace, Facebook, and Youtube. Of course, there are women whom I've met on a personal level. All of them are all around beautiful people. They have this spice to them that I just love! It's not so much that I want to be with them, I just love to admire them. I believe women get sweeter with age, similar to a wine. Plus, I love their conversation skills. They aren't interested in stupid, petty games. They tend to be more domineering and assertive.

Unfortunately, a lot of older women aren't always interested in younger females or males. But, why would they be? If you know what you want and are mature, you probably wouldn't want to mess around with someone below your level. Unless, the youger female or male is mature and wise for their age...that is the only exception.

I love older women. They are sexier, smarter, wiser, and way more assertive.

Women, Women, Women

There is no one thing that I love more than my love for women. And, not just any kind of women. I love beautiful women. But, it's not just physical beauty that entices me.

Type #1: A woman, dark-complexioned, confident, has a little attitude (but in a good way), sweet as honey, fine as hell inside and out, curvy, sensual, smart, deep, sexy, and knows what she wants.

Type #2: A woman, olive-complexioned, sweet, deep, independent, musical, appreciation for art of all types, dark hair (auburn, dark brown, or black), smart, intellectually stimulating, beautiful inside and out.

Type #3: A woman, light-complexioned, free-spirited, edgy, loyal, spontaneous, fun, funny, cute, conversational, witty, daring, smart.

Type# etc...

You see, I love all women. But, it doesn't mean I want to be with every woman. I just love women. They make this world go round. Those types were just combinations of traits and characteristics. As long as there are women like this in the world, I'll be alright. :)

Spiritual-Connection

Spiritual-connection? Let's look up both spiritual and connection.

Best defnition(s) of Spiritual: Of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material. 2. Of, concerned with, or affecting the soul.

Best definition(s) of Connection: An association or relationship.

Based on the two defintions, we can infer that "spiritual-connection" equates to "a relationship of the soul".

In my previous blog, I wrote that I only formed close friendships with ny teachers/mentors. I also stated that I needed a mind-connection to connect with anyone. That is very true.

Mind-connection: connection of the mind. If you can converse with someone without there being any awkward silences, there is a strong possibility that you've stumbled upon a) a mind-connection or b) someone who's just very chatty. Mind stimulation is necessary to form a mind-connection.

Now, moving on the heart-connection. This basically means you've reached a love-connection. Love exists in all forms. Whether it's a platonic or romantic love, it is love.

So, in order to be connected by the soul, one must be connected in thought and in heart. Only then will your soul dance with another. Pretty powerful stuff. It's the best relationship you can have.

Bon Voyage Mes Amis

I move in one week. Yes, in seven days. That is so astounding to me. It is also rather pertifying. I hope I have all the necessities that are required of me. I'd hate to have forgotten something. One of my close fiends left last night. She arrived at her school this morning. I am so excited for her.

Even though everyone is moving on, I don't feel bad or sad really. I've never been the type to hold friends very close to me for very long. Usually, my friendships are interrupted. In the past, I've let a relationship come between my friends and I. It was a bad situation all around. After being single for a little while, I found a relationship that allowed me to be close to friends, but it hasn't happened for me.

The only real friendships I have, are the friendships I've made with my teachers/mentors. Some think this is sad. Sometimes this makes me sad as well-- in a less pathetic more empathetic kind of way. I don't know if they feel as close to me as I do to them, but either way, those are relationships I cherish deeply. I hope they know just how much I love them.

You see, I need mind-connection with a human in order for the relationship to work. Then, that mind connection turns into heart-connection. After heart-connection, we reach spirtual-connection. That's the deepest connection you can have. How do you know if you've reached that spiritual-connection? Just wait for the next blog.

This blog is going all over the place. How very rude of me! Anyway, this blog is dedicated to those who are moving on to the bigger and better. I tip my hat off to you. You will do great! If you forget about me, that's okay. Just remember what we had. We were close at one point in time. We loved somewhere downthe metaphorical line of time. And, it was special. It was.

Sentimental Mood

I'm listening to "In a Sentimental Mood". It's a lovely jazz piece--one of my absolute favorites. It reminds me of old memories, love stories, love movies, old black and white movies, my love life, and those whom I have loved. It's romantic. It's sultry. It's jazzy. It's heart-warming and chilling. It tears at me each time I catch an ear-full of it's soothing melodic choruses.

It is a very fitting song, to say in the least. I am moving on to bigger, and hopefull better things. Sweet memories are waiting to be built. If I could have one word represent my entire existence, or my experience as I exist, it would be the word "sweet". Naturally, I just looked up the definition of "sweet". This word has many meanings. These are the first 17 or so:

-having the taste or flavor characteristic of sugar, honey, etc.

-producing the one of the four basic taste sensations that is not bitter, sour, or salt.

-not rancid or stale; fresh: This milk is still sweet.

-not salt or salted: sweet butter.

-pleasing to the ear; making a delicate, pleasant, or agreeable sound; musical.

-pleasing or fresh to the smell; fragrant; perfumed.

-pleasing or agreeable; delightful.

-amiable; kind or gracious, as a person, action, etc.

-dear; beloved; precious.

-easily managed; done or effected without effort.

-(of wine) not dry; containing unfermented, natural sugar.

-(of a cocktail) made with a greater proportion of vermouth than usual.

-sentimental, cloying, or unrealistic: a sweet painting of little kittens.

-(of air) fresh; free from odor, staleness, excess humidity, noxious gases, etc.

-free from acidity or sourness, as soil.

-Chemistry. a.devoid of corrosive or acidic substances.b.(of fuel oil or gas) containing no sulfur compounds.

-(of jazz or big band music) performed with a regular beat, moderate tempo, lack of improvisation, and an emphasis on warm tone and clearly outlined melody.

I, perhaps, love the simplest definition of the word. Pleasing. Agreeable. Delightful. And also, sentimental. If life were as delightful as this song, as this definition, I would be delighted.

Yes, my life would be sweet. My life is sweet. Sweet as honey, sugar, hot, sticky molasses. So warm, delicious--you'd long to dip your fingers in my honey heart. Mes bises de sucre would tantilize you. You'd search and search for my molasses reserves. I would indulge you. I'd take you for a spin. You'd cry out in ectasy. You'd be in my life. You'd be in my heart. I'd love you forever.

At last, we'd rejoice and gather around to listen to "In a Sentimental Mood."

You'd feel as I feel everytime I listen to this song.

Comments before the Initial Countdown

Yesterday, I said good-bye to a few close friends of mine. I'm sure I'll see them again. But, what if I don't? What if something terrible happens to me, or to one of them? Well then, I guess we may not meet again. But, I do want to see them. I'm afraid things won't be the same. But, I kind of want that too. I want to create the "me" I've been wanting for myself. The "me" that exists with a few people, but not with the majority of people I've met in the Coachella Valley. And, I know by doing this may indeed create a rift between my friends and me. But, that's life. I'm all about growth. I'm all about being the better me. I need to be.

Mysterious Revealings

There's something interesting in writing blogs. Especially blogs that aren't private. But, being all "out in the open" about it is, in a lot of ways, therapeutic. It's being mysterious with the intent to reveal what is hidden. That's what writing is to me.

As open as I claim to be, I feel so alone. I feel so guarded. Maybe I just haven't found the proper way to tell them, the proper way to tell myself.

I am a walking contradiction at times. I say things I don't feel, just to say them. I feel how I feel because I think that's how I am supposed to feel.

It's only in my writing where the truth escapes. It's this dark, black cloud of smoke and gas that slowly creeps its way out of my mind into my fingertips. It may not be a pleasant sight to see, but it is interesting, sometimes fascinating...at least for me.

I want to be open without inheriting extra bullshit. What do I mean by bullshit? I don't want to be open just to have people use me, abuse me, and take me for granted. How can you take back what's already been poured? How can secrets hide away when unhidden they've become? I guess you can't. So, I'll be open. Here I will be open. Maybe not everywhere else. But, those who do care to read, can. I'll be mysterious. Mysterious with the intent to reveal. That way I won't have to physically see bullshit.

Confirming the Confirmed

Eh. What is there to really say? Nothing...really. Today is the 12th, which means I have 14 days left. I leave on the 26th, even though I don't arrive in Connecticut til the 27th. Then, I'll catch a bus, courtesy of Smith College, and I'll enjoy three days with fellow bridgees. On the 30th, I will move in to my actual dorm. I'll go through Orientation. And on the 8th of September I'll start class.

Am I excited? Sure I am. Am I nervous? Of course. Will I do just fine? No, I'll do better.

It's all about confidence. Next to confidence there must be drive. Next to drive there must be skill. Confidence, drive, and skill. If you have all three, you're good to go. If you're missing one, you won't make it. Think of it as a tripod...you know, the contraption that holds a camera. If you are missing one of the three legs, the camera will fall because the tripod needs all three feet (hint: tri-pod!) to keep it and the camera steady and balanced. Just like a camera, you, too, will fall without all three. In your case, confidence, drive, and skill.

Anyway, I feel I embody those three traits. I've worked hard for this specific moment. I've been striving for this my entire life. So, it's going to happen. I am going to do it. I will succeed. Trust me.

So, what is there to really write about? I guess nothing. Just confirming what has already been confirmed.

Is it wrong to feel left out?

Scenario: All of my friends go to dinner...without me. It is an official good-bye dinner.

Does this mean no one really feels the need to say good-bye to me?

Trust me, I don't wanna sound like a whiny bitch. A part of me feels bad, a little hurt. But, the other part of me really doesn't give a rat's ass.

The part that somewhat irked me was when someone posted a photo of everyone who went. It was about 20 people. And yet...I didn't get the memo. Hmm.

Whatever.

Stud Lesbians: Only masculine when it's convenient

Last night before I fell asleep, I had this thought. This thought inspired me to write this specific blog.

"Stud Lesbians: Only masculine when it's convenient"

Let me first define what a "stud" is. Stud: Lesbian who embodies masculine characterisitcs/traits. A stud is the opposite of a "femme", which is a feminine lesbian who is generally attracted to masculine, or butch/stud lesbians. The term stud and femme is often used in the Black LGBT community.

This topic definitely relates to me on a very personal level. In this case, we'll call the stud Lisa. Lisa and I were dating off and on for about a year and a half. During that time, she was the more masculine or stud-like lesbian in our relationship. I, on the other hand, was more of a femme. Now, don't get me wrong, you don't need these labels. In fact, I find relationships work better when you don't label yourself or your partner.

Lisa, on a scale from 1-10 (1=femme, 10=stud), was a seven. She didn't rock men's clothing, but her personality resembled that of a macho-man. Lisa had an inflated ego. She acted like her sh*t didn't stink. She flirted with all the cute girls...IN FRONT OF ME. Lisa was a basketball player. She rocked a fresh pair of Vans each day, and popped her collar 24/7. So, to everyone, she acted like a stud. She was even rude, controlling, and bossy to me AND to everyone.

BUT, no one saw what I saw when we were alone. She was a pillow princess. Don't know what a pillow princess is? According to UrbanDictionary.com, a pillow princess is a woman, usually in a of a curious/bisexual context, who wants to experience pleasure from oral sex, but who is unwilling to reciprocate. But, in this case, Lisa was a full-blown lesbian who was just plain selfish. By day she was a stud, by night the stud-like personna came right off.

Now, I'm not saying studs shouldn't receive sexual pleasure. I am saying that if you are going to have an inflated ego, you kind of need to back it up. You can't be tellin' all your homies that you tap your girl's ass sooooo good, when you've never seriously attempted to do so. This is what I mean when I say studs sometimes only behave like studs when it's convenient for them.

Now, all my stud sistas who are doing their thing, I'm not talking about you. Y'all are cool. I'm simply speaking of the few, in fact probably the minority of stud lesbians, who do this. You can't expect your girl to be okay with the whole stud "get-up" when you only do it half of the time. Bottomline is this: Equality is a must. And yes, there can be equality in a stud-femme relationship. Reciprocity is a must. Plus, it's just plain phony bologna when you're a big macho-stud who doesn't please your own girlfriend.

If any of you have experienced this or something like this, let me know. I really hope I'm not the only one! Then again, I hope I am. No one should go through that!

Lame little rhyming thing for you...

Loving you, it's been so long
Figured I try to write you a song
Always been so easy, easy to do
But it's harder when it comes to you
You are always my number one
Put you before every and anyone
You are my light
You are my life
Through all my troubles
Through all the strife
You know girl
You rule my world
Keep my heart beating
Keep it in a swirl
You are my thoughts
You are my dreams
At least that's how it always seems
Baby I, I love you so
Never ever gonna let you go
No matter what comes along
I'll see you, your face in this song
You'll always be in my heart
You always were, even from the start
Just remember I'm always here
I'll shelter you from your every fear
You call my name, I'll be there fast
'Cause baby this love will always last.

Ick!

So, I realize what the problem is. It's California. At least it's Southern California. It's the people.

I'm glad I am leaving for Massachusetts soon. I can't be here for much longer. Not all, but a lot of people around SoCal are snobby, immature, rude, self-centered, and materialistic. I can't be feelin' that anymore.

<---- = No-No

Catching Up--On my time with Jessica

Well, I just got back on Wednesday from South Carolina. I spent two and a half weeks there with my girl. That was the first time we officially met. But, we've been together for a year and two months. Lemme just say that it was utterly amazing. She was even more beautiful in person. She just has this vibe to her that illuminates the room. Before I visited her, the long distance between us became overbearing. But, we quickly became refreshed and rejuvenated :).

I wouldn't be surprised if someone attempted to swoop up on her; she's just that great. You know that feeling of calm and serenity we all want to find...she brings that to me. I mean all my cares in the world just vanish when I'm with or around her.

People had their doubts regarding how well we'd take to each other in person. HELL! We got along waaay better than anyone thought we would! Everything she allowed me to see of her on the phone is the same in person. However, like I said, she's more beautiful.

But, it's not only her beauty that intrigues me, it's the rest of the "Jessica" package. She's smart. She can hold a conversation. She's opinionated. She's funny as hell. She's laid back. She's caring. She's devoted. She's loyal. She's loving. She's affectionate. She's playful. Oh, AND she plays several instruments, which include cello, guitar, and flute. She sings like an angel. She makes her own beats and tracks. She performs, produces, and writes her own shit. She's poetic and artistic. Man, the list goes on and on. I just feel so damn lucky to be with her.

But of course, it was so depressing and sad to leave her. She waited by the security (TSA) checkpoint until I turned the corner toward my terminal. It was so, so heart-breaking. Already, I miss her lips, her hands, her body, her touch, her laughter, and her overall presence. She's the best.

I could leave everyone in this world behind for her. That's how much I love her. But, she wouldn't want me to give anyone up, and I wouldn't expect that of her.

Anyway, this concludes my "ode to Jessica".

If you read this, I love you babe. ;)

This May Actually Be My HOUSE

So, in five days I find out which HOUSE I get to live in during my stay at Smith! YES!

Wooo Hooo!

My Little Ode to Lice

Lice are like mice

Accept they're not as nice.

Lice look like rice

With a little more spice.

I hate lice. An outbreak of lice has taken over the heads of my siblings.

Shit, shit, shit.

Quote

Destiny didn't have such a simple plan. -A.Keys

My favorite lyrics by none other than Miss Alicia Keys

Do you do you
To have a long conversation on the phone
Can't get you outta my mind
Baby are you feeling me feeling you
Everything you say and everything you do
Gets me lost in you days at a time
Tell me are you feeling me feeling you

Lioness

It's crazy how music influences your entire mood. A minute ago, I was listening to Alicia Keys, which always makes me feel empowered and beautiful all over. Now, I'm listening to Jean Grae, and I suddenly feel like a ferocious lioness. That's right, I am an empowered, beautiful, yet ferocious lioness. I'm Dominique.

Lonely

I'm sitting here, well actually laying here, on my father's bed in Oklahoma. I'm experiencing many mixed emotions. I miss my mother; more than ever, really. I miss her because I feel completely safe with her. Here, I'm surrounded by strange faces, strange accents, and a complete change of culture. Here, people like to hunt, people like to BBQ, people like to have a good ol' time. I find nothing wrong with that, I'm just home sick. I long for the familiar. I long for a woman's presence. I don't say mean this in the sexual tense, more of the companionship sense. I really miss the women that are usually around me. I do.

So, I'm here in Oklahoma, feeling disoriented, daranged, and dillusional.

But, above all else, I feel alone. Utterly alone.

Stress and The Writing

Right now I am sitting in my computer chair, feeling tired, stressed, and discontent due to these horrific cramps I'm experiencing. I'm leaving for Oklahoma tomorrow, and I AM STRESSED. I'm heading for college in the fall, and paperwork is being sent to me left and right ALL the time. This means that I have to read, understand, fill out, and sign a multitude of papers. Now, since my address is not in Oklahoma, I will have to rely solely on my mom for any news regarding any paperwork that my school sends to me.

I am also stressed out because of the whole financial aspect of going to school. Not only do I have to worry about schools fees, I have to worry about transporting my ass back and forth from CA (where I live) to Massachusetts (school's location). Now, I don't have a trust, or any resemblance of wealth to my name or my family's name. This means that I have to try twice as hard to get scholarships, financial aid, etc. I also have a level of pride that won't allow me to accept anything from anyone without doing something to earn it or deserve it.

Thirdly, I am stressed because I am finally going to meet my girlfriend for the very first time. It has been over a year now, and I am so excited. But, I'm nervous because I haven't done the whole "relationship in person" thing for a while now. Plus, I have changed so much that I'm most likely not going to behave the same way I did while in my past relationships. I haven't kissed anyone in about 16 months, or done anything affectionate with a partner. So, that's also why I'm stressed :(.

Sometimes I just need to write to get it all out. I don't think anyone has even read any of these blog posts, but I don't need anyone to do that. I just need to get it all out. It's my stress reliever, my anecdote. It's therapeutic.

That's it, folks.

To Be With You

Twisting
Turning
The fear of yearning
to be with you
consumes me completely.

Spinning
Shaking
My whole heart quaking
to be with you
envelopes me completely.

Grasping
Pulling
My love needing
to be with you
enflames me completely.

You have this crazy way about you
You have this crazy power over me
That has me dying to be with you.

Zen Dorm

This is the inspiration for my dorm room.

Zen. :)

People are Strange-Doors

People are strange
when youre a stranger
Faces look ugly when youre alone
Women seem wicked when youre unwanted
Streets are uneven when youre down
When youre strange
Faces come out of the rain
When youre strange
No one remembers your name
When youre strange
People are strange
when youre a stranger
Faces look ugly when youre alone
Women seem wicked when youre unwanted
Streets are uneven when youre down
When youre strange
Faces come out of the rain
When youre strange
No one remembers your name
When youre strange
When youre strange
Faces come out of the rain
When youre strange
No one remembers your name
When youre strange

Insane

I wanna go insane.
See what it's like to have no brain.
Feel like I'm flying on a paper airplane.
I wanna go insane.

Look at Him

Jim Morrison is another bad ass! Just look at him.

The Missing

I'm annoyed. I don't know why, but then again I kind of do. I want something that I know not of. I want too much sometimes. I just want things to feel right. I go into it feeling alright, then she says something or I say something, and I feel horrible. I feel like I have no way out of the situation, as if the walls of our little issues come closing in around me.

I have this vision of the life I want. I want to be happy, compassionate, eccentric, sophisticated, and zen. I want to travel. I want to help people. I want to experience new things. I want to be loved. I want to love more than anything. And, I love her. I just want our worlds and our visions to complement each other's.

I want her, my dreams, her dreams, and our dreams. I want us to work harmoniously together. We do; it's just so hard being so far apart from one another. I miss her so much.

Dark, Deep Hole

I am being led into a dark, deep hole of no existence. There is no turning back. There is no looking back. There is just the dark, deep hole of no existence. I am soon spiraling down the hole against my will. I am soon being dragged deeper into the dark, deep hole. I'm not scared. I'm not frightened. I'm content. I'm relaxed. I take it all in, all in, all in. All of it in as I go down into the dark, deep hole.

Sacrifice, Love and Life

I need this blank page to release all of what's in me. I was in a period of relaxation, but now I am reminded of all my obligations and responsibilities. My mom and I have always struggled. Even when I was young I remember my mom always scraping just to get by. Maybe that's why I'm intolerant, rather impatient, to the petty problems people my age complain about. I feel like most of them don't even know about struggle. They haven't heard the ins and outs of their parents' financial instabilities. They often go on to be self-absorbed, high-maintenance snobs. I'm not saying that I'm any better. I'm not better. It's just that I feel I am always up against this hard wall. I feel like demonic creatures are trying to prevent me from succeeding, by increasing all of my financial burdens. I know I have it better than most. Lord knows I have so much love and support in my life...love and support that just can't be bought--which is a good thing, because I always happen to be broke. My mom and I are always in this constant state of self-sacrifice. We have to constantly sacrifice what we'd like to be doing to make ends meat. I am mainly stressed out because I know she's tried so hard and has sacrificed so much already. She sacrificed her adulthood to have me. I could have been easily aborted. But, she kept me. She's put a shelter over my head, and has fed me each night. I just wish she didn't have to give up what little money she has to send me to college. I'm going to the best school of the schools I was accepted to--which means it's more expensive. I just feel for her. But, I know I will pay her back along with my gratitude, as soon as I am able to do so.

I'm still growing. I'm still learning how to balance my money, and how to live on a budget based on my own money. I am evolving. I am morphing and transforming. It's just hard. It's just hard to live in a constant state of self-sacrifice. But, that's what life's about. That's what love is about. My mother's love is so great for me that she'd do anything to make sure I receive the very best. Life and love are one in the same.

Jagger

Mick Jagger is a freakin' bad ass!

I love him.

A lot.

Time's Reaper

I'm sitting here on a bed in a house from my past. I never thought I'd be here again. Never thought I would have the courage or the heart to endure just one visit. But, I'm here. I made it. It's not so much that I was afraid, it was more of a fear of being forgotten. Time does strange things to people and their perception of other people and things. Time almost warps the mind; twists it, molds it, unravels it. Yet, my intuition suggests I have not been skewed, in fact I am quite in tact--perfectly the same. Familiar faces, though aged and decayed by time's reaper, all welcome me with loving smiles. Arms, rid of elasticity, still hold me the same way.

Maybe this is how people interact with each other. Maybe we all just fall in and out of contact with one another, yet collide when the time is right. Why have I now seen them? Why not three, four, five years ago? I think it was meant to be this way, at this time. If not now, I may have not composed this very blog. Interesting, huh?

Gravitational Pull of Love

She is one person I have never let down. Maybe that's why I love her so much. She's helped me get through so much in my past. Now, I am helping her. It is very reciprocated. Are feelings are mutual. I find more and more of her in me each day. Which just goes to show that things can happen if you really want them to. She has given me much joy, much wisdom, much love.  Love. Love. Love. 

Isn't it that which pulls us together? Love?

Upon Listening to Philip Glass

Classical 

I love it.

More precious than any music you would hear on the radio.

Piano

My favorite.

I love watching fingers grace the ebony and ivory keys.

Orgasmic.

Fantastic.

Exotic.

Erotic.

Toxic.

Systematic.

Ecstatic.

Dramatic.

Love.

blah de blah blah   blah

de de blah de blah blah blah blah

how can u write music?

You can't. 

Reciprocation

Talk to me,

And I will talk to you.

Listen to me,

And I will listen to you.

Reciprocation

Confirmation

Of all that we know,

All that we have.

Libras in this game

Giving just the same.

Mutual

Feelings

Of us

Between us.

Talk to me

Listen to me listening to you

As you listen to the talk that ensues.

Reciprocation

An inclination

Of what needs to be

To make it work,

To make us work.

The New Me

It's been well over a year now, and over two years since its beginning. I'm glad, but mainly relieved. To think I put up with such strain, pain, and disdain; crazy. I'm listening to the song "Slowly, Surely" by Jill Scott, which so happens to be the song that reverberates that entire situation. I've learned to love myself over the past year. I've really strived to put myself first, and I think I've succeeded. Instead of sweating "minor posing as major" situations, I just walk away. It's as simple as that. I went through hell so much with that one person, I couldn't do it anymore. In all of my relationships of the past, I put myself last. Not anymore. In my new and improved relationship, I have put my instincts above all else. If I even feel a slight rumble develop, I confront it, improve it, and move on. So, I guess I mainly wanted to address how well "the new me" is working for...ME :). 

Promises

She says she cares,
And I believe her.
But, a lot of people say they care.
A lot of people make fake promises
They just can't keep.
They can't even hold them.
They grab promises, and quickly look
down to see that their words are slipping
through the cracks of their futile fingers.
Words are rarely ingested, just egested
and regurgitated sloppily,
leaving unpronounceable carcasses of an old oath.

I need to grow up.
I need to realize that things will rarely go my way.
I am confused.
I am hurt.
I am numb.
But, I am alive.
And, since I am alive, I need to move on.
I'm in a state of evolution.
I am evolving into the person I'm probably not going to be in 20 yrs.
By then, I will have morphed, changed, molded, formed myself into another evolved species of myself.
I'm okay with that.
I just need to grow up.
I need to let things go.
It is a must...
At least for evolution it is.
Staying in one place, one state of mind only delays this process.
I need as many processes as I can get. I only have approximately 82 yrs left...and that's only if I live to 100.

The Snake-Like Branches of Us

I've visited an old friend today.
Not directly, indirectly.
Her words are deep and her thoughts are too.
I wish I could have been a part, maybe even in just one
of the memories she wrote on.
But, time has morphed us into different people.
People who have the potential to be good friends,
but just can't.
This saddens me. Saddens me to my very core.
But, she's not here. And I'm not either.
She's far away, and thinking of her only makes me feel farther away.
So, life goes on.
The efforts I've made are fruitless, trees left bare, alone.
Long, snake-like branches that remind me how dead we've become.

Long Distance Relationship 101

And it goes like this:There is a general concensus that suggests being in a long distance relationship is "impossible."Well, I am here to refute this claim. I have been in a long distance relationship for close to 10 months. At first, I did have my apprehensions and reservations. But, like all relationships, it takes time to let your heart and mind work together to decide if pursuing someone is really worth it. Sometimes we end up in a relationship with no real future, and when the relationship ends, we say we've been blind-sighted. I don't believe in that. I think every person has an inkling on how their relationship with someone would turn out. So, when you are pursuing a long sistance relationship, you have to behave as if you are trying to pursue a "real life" relationship. You cannot just go out with someone based off a whim. Well, you can, but chances are, it won't succeed. "Isn't it too hard not being able to touch them?"Sure it is! It's a pain in the ass! Buuuut, the time you spand apart from one another can also build upon the strength of your relationship. For example, instead of "physically engaging" with one another, you may want to focus on your communication skills. Of course, there comes a time when communication via phone, email, text messaging etc is not suffice. in order to make a long distance relationship work, you must be mentally and emotionally intrigued with your partner. You must love them regardless of what they look like, because looks aren't really a factor in a long distance relationsip.Some of you may be thinking, "Dominique, this sounds like advice you'd give to a couple who are living right by each other."You are absolutely correct! Of course it is! Which, brings me to my point. When you are in a long distance relationship, you must strive harder to make your relationship work. You must use basic techniques of being in a successful relationship times 10, to make it work. Being in a long distance relationship is not for quitters, irrational decision makers, non-communicators, and for the superficial. Still wanna have one?
Well, good luck!~Dominique

Dreams

It's crazy how dreams have the power to affect people's reality. I recently had a dream about one of my past crushes. I woke up feeling strange and out-of-sorts. Past feelings didn't return, but memories of those feelings did. I've also realized that you may not want to share these kind of dreams with your significant other...unless, of course, you find that dream may hold some kind of real significance. Mine, on the other hand, didn't. In fact, I feel that me liking my past crush led to me liking my recent love. There are qualities they both exude that are very similar to one another. However, I know why I am with my girlfriend and not with the other girl. Sometimes you think you may still have feelings for someone when only looking at their "good side". We fail to acknowledge the reasons why we aren't with someone else in our state of reminiscing. Bottomline: Dreams are just dreams. Reality is reality. Try to blurr the two, and you find yourself in a state of confusion. Don't let your dreams dictate how you are currently feeling or are not feeling.